The New Sparky MacDougal
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: When Sparky starts to lose interest in leading Testicular Sound Express, he challenges Jaylynn to a swap where they trade leadership roles in each other's groups for one week.
1. The New Sparky MacDougal Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 4

EPISODE 8

Airdate: January 31, 2016

"The New Sparky MacDougal"

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky comes in, home from school. He looks visibly tired and walks slowly towards the couch, neglecting to close the door. He turns on the TV with one finger, and the audience can hear Family Guy in the background._

LOIS: Peter, you've been sleeping with that stuffed animal for weeks. It's filthy, get rid of it.

PETER: Alright, fine. I'll just toss it by the old homeless shelter with people who looked like if they cleaned up, their homelessness wouldn't shine through but they don't so you have your current situation.

 _Sparky groans in annoyance. Bitch Clock walks down the steps at that point._

BITCH CLOCK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you just left the door open? Do you know the type of people that can just walk in here?

SPARKY: Hey, I'm not a little kid, okay? Go shoot yourself in the damn face.

BITCH CLOCK: Okay, Sparky, I'm sorry.

SPARKY: Wait, Bitch Clock, is that you?

BITCH CLOCK: Well, I'm clearly not Kathleen Turner.

SPARKY: Sorry, man, I'm just really cranky. Today was awful. I barely got any sleep last night, then I had to wake up, meet with the guys, and hang out with them all day. It's exhausting.

BITCH CLOCK: I thought you loved the guys.

SPARKY: I do, but it's tiring sometimes. I have to hang out with them every single day and do everything with them. Half the time, I can't even go to the bathroom by myself.

 _CUTAWAY GAG_

 _Sparky, Buster, and RK are all shown walking into the school bathroom together while Wade waits outside for them. Sparky and Buster walk into stalls while RK uses the urinal._

BUSTER: Ugh, the toilet's backed up again!

RK: It is?

BUSTER: Yeah. I hate this school.

 _At that point, Buster walks out of his stall and into the next one, which Sparky is in._

SPARKY: GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

BUSTER: Don't worry, Sparky, I'll wait.

 _END OF CUTAWAY_

BITCH CLOCK: You ever tried talking to them about this?

SPARKY: No. I don't want them to think it's their fault. Then they're just going to stop speaking to me. I have to lead by example.

BITCH CLOCK: I know what you mean. I used to be the leader of a support group for alcoholics myself. Then I realized it was a f***ing waste of time and we all went off the wagon again. I wish I knew what the group was called, I forgot.

SPARKY: You're thinking of Alcoholics Anonymous.

BITCH CLOCK: No, that's not it. It was catchier than that but I think we got sued for gimmick infringement. So what are you going to do about you hating your friends?

SPARKY: I feel like you're only half-listening to what I'm saying. There's only one person I know that can help me.

SCENE 2

Ken Griffey Jr. Park

Interior Swingset

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky and Jaylynn are on the swings together. However, Sparky is only sitting on it while Jaylynn is actually using it, swinging as high as she can._

JAYLYNN: This was a great idea asking me to play with you. I miss when we used to hang out, just the two of us.

SPARKY: Me too. Of course, we still talk every day at school and at home and we've had about thirty something adventures together.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but it usually isn't just us. Now, I don't know what the hell it is.

SPARKY: It's called knowing a bunch of people.

JAYLYNN: Eh, I guess so. Hey, have you ever tried riding up over the bar?

SPARKY: No.

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm gonna do it today. I just need some motivation. Hey, you know what would be cool? If you could do commentary like you do sometimes. You're great at impressions.

SPARKY: That's okay.

 _At that point, Jaylynn senses something wrong with Sparky and stops swinging._

JAYLYNN: Alright, Sparky, I know what's going on.

SPARKY: You do?

JAYLYNN: No, but I do know when something's bothering you. Kinda obvious.

SPARKY: It's just that I've spent so much time with the guys that I feel numb. There's nothing exciting about it anymore, nothing that gives me the old spark I used to have. No pun intended. When I first met Buster and RK, we were wild boys. Then I met Wade and he wasn't as wild, but we got to him eventually. Now he's just like the rest of us.

JAYLYNN: You sure about that?

 _At that point, the scene cuts to Wade at RK's house reading when Buster walks up to him._

BUSTER: Hey Wade, I found a worm in the backyard with RK, you wanna see...

 _*while not even looking up from his book*_ WADE: No.

 _Buster rolls his eyes and leaves the room, then the scene cuts back to Sparky and Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: So what you're saying is you feel like a housewife?

SPARKY: Yeah, pretty much. I need a new challenge. You ever feel like that?

JAYLYNN: Of course I do. A bunch of girls talking to me about their problems, I feel like ripping my hair out sometimes.

SPARKY: Hey! That could be it!

JAYLYNN: You want to actually rip your hair out? That's going to help now, but when you're older...

SPARKY: No, not that. I've been leader of Testicular Sound Express since the beginning. I've never stepped down for anything. Even when I was sick, I somehow did it. Don't ask me how, but I did it.

JAYLYNN: So the solution is...

SPARKY: I just need a new group to lead. I can be leader of the Masters of the Universe.

JAYLYNN: Uh, kid, where? I'm the leader of that group. You have to be qualified, certified, get your credentials and credenzas in order.

SPARKY: Credenza is a word?

JAYLYNN: If it isn't, it should be.

SPARKY: I'm not asking to be the permanent leader. I'm challenging you to a swap. I lead your group for a week, and you lead ours.

JAYLYNN: Ours?

SPARKY: Yes. Because if I have to remind you, you've been a member of my group for almost three years now.

JAYLYNN: I know that. But I don't know. Me leading the guys? It would feel weird.

SPARKY: That's too bad. Oh, wait a minute, Jaylynn, you should come over tonight and have dinner with me and Bitch Clock. I'm making chicken.

JAYLYNN: Oh God, don't even pull out the chicken card, just because...

 _At that point, Sparky starts squawking like a chicken, causing Jaylynn to sigh and do a facepalm._

JAYLYNN: You don't have to do this, man, I'm just...

 _Sparky continues squawking like a chicken until Jaylynn throws her skull cap down to the ground in anger._

JAYLYNN: Alright, wild boy, you have yourself a deal. I lead your group, you lead mine.

SPARKY: I look forward to the challenge.

JAYLYNN: But you know, something like this just can't happen without a wager. You know, something has to be on the line.

SPARKY: I'm not running down the street in my underwear.

JAYLYNN: That was my third idea. I got something for you though. We'll see when the week's over.

SPARKY: Alright then. But you can't last a week.

JAYLYNN: Oh, like you're going to last a week?

SPARKY: I bet so.

JAYLYNN: I beg to differ.

 _Sparky and Jaylynn then turn away from each other while looking at the sky._

SPARKY: Isn't one of us supposed to leave?

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _All of the members of Testicular Sound Express are entering the school together._

WADE: I'm just saying, Thoreau's command of the English language is astounding.

RK: Uh huh.

WADE: When I was reading _Nature_ , it just felt so captivating. The themes of transcendentalism and religion were ahead of their time.

RK: Wade, bubby, I have a splitting headache right now and I haven't been able to pay attention to anything you're saying.

WADE: Well then.

BUSTER: So Sparky, you want to eat the same sandwich at lunch today? I'm thinking they might serve grilled cheese, but if they don't, we can always smash a ham and cheese and call it grilled.

SPARKY: No need, Buster. I'm not eating lunch with you guys today.

RK: Wait, what? Who said they're not eating brunch?

WADE: Sparky's not eating lunch. Wait a minute, you have some schoolwork to catch up on?

SPARKY: No, I'm going to be eating with Jaylynn's group.

BUSTER: But you don't even talk to them like that.

JAYLYNN: Guys, this is all part of the plan.

SPARKY: Yeah, Jaylynn and I decided to make a little wager. I lead her group for a week, she leads this one. We both wanted a new challenge.

WADE: Could you clarify a bit?

SPARKY: _*sighs*_ For one week, I'm going to be the leader of Jaylynn's group.

JAYLYNN: And I'm going to be the leader of this group for a week.

RK: You're not going to be the leader of TSE anymore?!

WADE: Why are you shouting when you have a splitting headache?

RK: Because this is important. Oh no, the room is spinning again.

BUSTER: I don't think this is a great idea. You've always been leader, Sparky.

SPARKY: And I get that, but I feel like I'm just walking around in circles. I want to do something else with new people. Besides, we do everything together.

RK: We don't eat together.

SPARKY: Because you almost never invite me to your house!

RK: There's a reason for that, but I'll tell you after my aspirin.

JAYLYNN: Guys, it's only temporary. It's about time we started hanging out with each other more.

WADE: Am I the only one who thinks our lives revolve around each other already?

BUSTER: I also see that. But you know what? If this is what you have to do to get back your confidence, I understand. Here's an autographed picture of me, which I autographed myself one day when I was bored.

 _The picture shows Buster grinning with slicked-back hair and a bowl of porridge in front of him._

BUSTER: This is a reminder of me. When you get scared or hungry or you can no longer deal with those girls, just remember that you always have me to think about on your dangerous journey.

SPARKY: It's only...for one...week.

BUSTER: DON'T SPOIL THE MOMENT!

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _At lunch, the boys sit down with Jaylynn. Everybody looks disappointed, especially Buster. Sparky sighs and takes his seat next to Halley. Ashley and Gilcania are also there sitting on the other side of the table._

HALLEY: Hey babe. What's up?

SPARKY: Nothing much, love. What's going on here?

HALLEY: Well, I'm just watching Ashley and Gilcania talk. I'm also on my phone trying to figure out who keeps calling me.

SPARKY: If he's bigger than me, we're going to have a serious problem.

HALLEY: It's not a guy, silly, it's probably a telemarketer. God, I hate those people.

ASHLEY: Um, Sparky, I hate to be rude but, why are you here?

SPARKY: Because I'm the new leader of the Masters of the Universe.

GILCANIA: No, seriously, boo-boo, how come Jaylynn's not here?

HALLEY: It's true. She told me this morning what was happening. Apparently, they bet each other or some shit.

GILCANIA: So what do we do?

ASHLEY: Yeah, I mean, when Jaylynn was here, things were different. I mean, do we start calling you Jaylynn or what?

SPARKY: No, you guys just act the same. We're having a meeting tomorrow so that should be pretty interesting. Where's it at?

ASHLEY: I guess it will be your place.

SPARKY: Great. Buster, I think this is going to work out just fine.

HALLEY: Did you just call me Buster?

SPARKY: GAH! Sorry, Halley, that's what I meant. It's been a while, so, you know. Have to get the kinks out, if you will. Dealing with a whole new ballgame, as it were.

GILCANIA: We get it, honey.

 _The scene cuts to the boys and Jaylynn at their table._

BUSTER: Look at Sparky over there. So in control of things. It's like he can lead any group he wants.

JAYLYNN: Are you kidding? Sparky's not used to Ashley and Gilcy and Anja like I am. I'm telling you, he'll crack sooner than you think.

BUSTER: I hope so. It's only been less than one lunch period and I already miss him.

RK: So, Mike Scully, you have any plans to ruin things in this group?

JAYLYNN: Don't call me that, I know what I'm doing. I've known you guys for two years, we shouldn't act like strangers to each other.

WADE: Jaylynn's right. Just because Sparky isn't here, doesn't mean things have to change.

JAYLYNN: Exactly. And tonight, to show you how great this week is going to be, I'm inviting you guys to a potluck.

RK: I'll bring a bag of potato chips, some forks from the cafeteria and call it a day.

JAYLYNN: Well, way to get into the spirit, RK.

RK: I'm sorry, okay? But I'm a traditional guy. I love history, it's what makes America what it's supposed to be.

WADE: Then how come you're failing social studies?

RK: F*** a school lecture, that's my response. I'm going to the john.

 _RK walks away from the table and heads towards the bathroom._

BUSTER: He just needs time to get used to it.

JAYLYNN: I guess. But this isn't going well. I wonder why Sparky had it so easy.

BUSTER: Well, he had to work at it initially. At first, RK and I hated him.

 _CUTAWAY GAG_

 _Buster and RK are having lunch together when Sparky walks up to them. They go from having smiles to looking annoyed._

SPARKY: Hey guys, I have a cool new video game. You want to play it after school?

RK: No.

BUSTER: WE DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU, GO TO HELL AND STAY THERE!

 _END OF CUTAWAY_

JAYLYNN: Why did you guys treat him like that?

BUSTER: We were just really angry people back then.

SCENE 5

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are all watching TV together with various foods on the coffee table._

JAYLYNN: RK, I noticed that all you brought was a bag of chips.

RK: I'm a man of my word, Jaylynn. What's on the tube?

BUSTER: Let's see. Ooh, _Drake & Josh_!

JAYLYNN: Play that shit.

 _*in voiceover form*_ DRAKE: I thought you said you didn't want the last doodle cake.

JOSH: I said that I wasn't going to eat it now and I was saving it. But you ate it!

DRAKE: Fine, I'm sorry for eating it.

JOSH: Drake, you're paying me back the money for another box of doodle cakes. I am adamant in my request. ADAMANT!

RK: Some classic shit right there.

 _RK dips his chip in the salsa once, then dips it in again._

JAYLYNN: Ewww, don't do that.

RK: What are you talking about? I put on deodorant before I left.

JAYLYNN: I mean, you double dipping your chips like that, that's gross.

RK: Stop being a priss, I'm hungry.

BUSTER: Isn't double dipping a party foul?

WADE: It is. Right up there with drinking the whole keg, taking more than two slices of pizza at a time and putting on a slow song when everyone wants to turn up.

RK: Well, that's all well and good but I'm here to zone out and continue strengthening my love for one of the few things that gives me life: The TV. I don't see a problem with that.

JAYLYNN: Just don't do that shit, it makes my skin crawl.

RK: Oh, look, Scully wants to power trip after less than a day. You know, Jaylynn, I'm going to kick your ass right now.

JAYLYNN: I'll kick your ass with your own foot after I cut it off. You come into my house with your double dipping behavior and you disrespect me, coming at me with your bullshit.

RK: I'm not disrespecting you, I'm just telling you to keep things in perspective. You get the keys to a group you can't lead, and now you think you're Scarface or something. You're not Scarface, you're not my mother, you're a little girl who keeps going off like an annoying pest.

JAYLYNN: I'm trying to let you know that when you do that type of shit, people are going to be grossed out. I'm saving you from your own stupid self.

 _At that point, Buster and Wade look at each other with annoyed expressions and leave the house._

RK: You should be saving yourself from a beating, which I'm going to give you if you don't shut the hell up. "Don't double dip, that's bad manners." What is this, _Full House_?! The one time you get your hands on actual power and you start having these high expectations. STAY IN YOUR F***ING LANE, THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR HIGH EXPECTATIONS!

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky whistles "The Hills" by The Weeknd while getting all of the couches set up properly in a circle for the meeting with the Masters of the Universe. Bitch Clock walks downstairs at that point, and the camera zooms in on his face when he sees the couches, triggering a flashback where he is at a meeting for his group._

BITCH CLOCK: And I guess I really don't know why I started drinking. Maybe it was because I've never done anything meaningful in my life. I had dreams, man. I wanted to be a professional wrestler. But my father kept telling me it was fake. I told him he was fake. The whole world was fake and I was going to show him fake.

JOHN: But wrestling is fake.

BITCH CLOCK: John, you think having a broken neck is fake? You think falling off a twenty-foot ladder through two tables is fake? You think this open-hand slap is fake?

 _Bitch Clock slaps John in the face and starts punching him multiple times._

BITCH CLOCK: YOU THINK HAVING DREAMS ARE FAKE?! YOU THINK EXISTING AT ALL IS FAKE?!

 _The other group members desperately try to get Bitch Clock to stop the attack as the flashback and the camera zooms out from Bitch Clock's blank expression._

BITCH CLOCK: I CAN'T CHANGE WHO I AM, SPARKY!

 _Bitch Clock runs up the stairs while Sparky has a confused look on his face._

SPARKY: What the f***?

 _The doorbell rings and Sparky becomes giddy. He opens the door and sees Halley._

SPARKY: The love of my life.

HALLEY: The love of _my_ life.

SPARKY: I bet I love you way more than you love me.

HALLEY: I bet I think you're way cuter than you think I am.

SPARKY: Well, I bet...just come here.

 _Sparky and Halley start kissing for more than a couple seconds until Ashley walks in with Gilcania._

ASHLEY: Um, guys?

SPARKY: HEY!

HALLEY: This was a private moment.

GILCANIA: Well, baby, I didn't need to see so much of that action.

SPARKY: We both had our clothes on.

ASHLEY: Hey, I didn't say anything, I was a stranger the whole time.

GILCANIA: So what do we talk about?

SPARKY: I don't know. What does Jaylynn usually do?

ASHLEY: She just asks what's going on in our lives.

HALLEY: Yeah, and then she argues with me for a bit, then Anja tells us to stop, and then...hey, where's Anja?

GILCANIA: Oh my God, she's usually the first person to come.

SPARKY: She's probably on her way.

 _The scene cuts to Anja slowly pulling up to Jaylynn's house, inadvertently driving in front of an older white man who looks annoyed. Once she finally parks it, the man is able to drive away._

MAN: STOP DRIVING LIKE A BITCH!

ANJA: That's not nice. Geez, what a butthole.

 _Anja walks into Jaylynn's house and is confused when she sees Jaylynn playing video games with Buster._

ANJA: What's going on? I thought we were meeting up today.

JAYLYNN: Oh, that's right, I never told you. I'm leading Testicular Sound Express for the week and Sparky's leading the Masters.

ANJA: Why?

BUSTER: It's a long story.

ANJA: Why wasn't I told earlier?

JAYLYNN: Because you don't go to our school.

ANJA: Aren't you missing RK and Wade?

JAYLYNN: RK and I aren't talking right now and Wade has a book report due tomorrow.

 _*sighs*_ ANJA: You know, the next time you guys cook up these wacky schemes, can you at least let me know ahead of time?

JAYLYNN: Sure, breh, whatever you want to do.

 _Anja leaves the house at that point._

BUSTER: It's a good thing we didn't have to slam the door in her face, because I would have.

JAYLYNN: Buster, that's my main homie!

BUSTER: I know, but all I'm saying is, it was just something I was considering at the time. Do not judge me or my decisions.

SCENE 7

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

ASHLEY: I just don't know if I should tell him I like him. I'm trying not to get involved with guys right now.

SPARKY: Chances are, if you tell him, he'll feel the same way. I mean, didn't you two hit it off at the book fair?

ASHLEY: We did, but I don't really know. I'm just not one hundred percent sure.

GILCANIA: You know, boo-boo, if you want to, you can always date me.

ASHLEY: What?!

 _Everyone starts laughing at that point, including Ashley._

GILCANIA: I mean, you want to date someone you trust, you might as well date me.

ASHLEY: No comment.

HALLEY: That reminds me of the first date I had with Sparky. It was pouring outside, my hair was total shit, and we didn't even have enough money to take the bus back home...

 _Anja walks in at that point, making the room silent._

GILCANIA: Honey, why are you late?

ANJA: Because Jaylynn never told me about the big switcheroo. I thought I was early, then I get there and it's like, "What the heck?" So I left the house and started muttering to myself, then I got tired of doing that and I came here.

SPARKY: Well, we were just talking about what Ashley should do about this new guy she likes.

ANJA: Well, she could always just tell him how she feels.

ASHLEY: But I don't know if I really want the relationship.

ANJA: Then you should just focus on yourself and forget the guy.

ASHLEY: But I can't just forget him, Anja. Have you seen him?

ANJA: Ashley, I really don't know what you want.

ASHLEY: I don't know either.

SPARKY: You could always take some time to think about it. I mean, maybe you don't like him as much as you think you do. Maybe it's just a crush.

ASHLEY: A crush?

SPARKY: Yeah, we all have them. Things will just work out the way they're supposed to. If you don't want to rush into it now, that's fine. But if you think your feelings are strong enough, you should just go for it.

ASHLEY: Okay. I will think about it.

ANJA: That's actually some really good advice, Sparky.

GILCANIA: Yeah, who would have thought you knew about romance?

HALLEY: Um, I did? That's why I started dating him?

GILCANIA: Halley, boo-boo, I always forget about you.

HALLEY: W-why did you say it like that?

GILCANIA: Like what?

HALLEY: Why did you say it like you didn't know I was here, Gilcy?!

 _At that point, everyone is laughing again, and Sparky ends up laughing so much, he falls off the couch, only encouraging more laughter._

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is standing in front of the TV while Buster, Wade, and KG are on the couch with blank expressions._

RK: Gentlemen, I'm glad you're all here for this meeting.

BUSTER: I thought you said that if we didn't show up, you would kill us.

RK: It's a figure of speech, Buster.

BUSTER: So, hypothetically speaking, let's say I decided not to show up. What would you do to me?

RK: I don't know. Slap you on the wrist?

WADE: What's KG doing here? He's not even in the group.

RK: He's going to help us with our plan.

KG: See, Wade, I have a purpose. What's yours?

WADE: I'm actually in the group.

KG: WELL, I COOK MY DINNER EVERY NIGHT, WHAT DO YOU DO?!

RK: Easy, easy, gents. This is not an us versus us thing. It's an us versus her thing.

BUSTER: Us versus her?

RK: Exactly. Look, I know you guys are unhappy with the new arrangement of Jaylynn being the leader of TSE.

BUSTER: No, I'm not. In fact, that begs the question: Why isn't Jaylynn here?

 _RK, Wade, and KG all groan in annoyance at Buster's question._

RK: Buster, this meeting is _about_ Jaylynn. Therefore, I don't think she would enjoy coming here and hearing us shit on her like this.

BUSTER: That's what I don't understand. The way I see it, you're the only person that seems to have a problem with her being leader.

WADE: He does have a point. You fight Jaylynn on a lot of things.

RK: Because we're both very passionate characters with a lot of kinetic energy. You put us in a room, of course we're going to fight each other. But I love Jaylynn as a friend. I mean, she's a great B-plus player. She just can't do Sparky's job. No one can.

BUSTER: So we're all B-plus players, including yourself?

RK: I'm going to throw you out if you don't cut it with the smart comments. Trying to patch up holes in my logic and whatnot.

WADE: RK, it's Wednesday. We only have four more days left with Jaylynn being leader. Can't you just live with it until then?

BUSTER: Yeah, everything makes sense in a week.

RK: I shall not, I cannot, and I canall not. Look, if Jaylynn leads the group now and does a good job, she'll be responsible for Sparky finally leaving the group. Then he's going to hand off the keys to her, and she's going to start having us do degrading things for cash. Pretty soon, we're going to be jobless deadbeats standing outside of Krispy Kreme begging for spare change, and we all become wards of the state once Jaylynn is arrested for tax evasion.

 _Buster, Wade, and KG all look at RK with bewilderment._

KG: I don't know how you got from Point A to Point B, but...um, let me talk to her. She trusts me and she might stop being leader if you guys are this upset.

WADE: He's the only one with any resentment!

RK: Jaylynn hates Adriana by the way.

WADE: What?

RK: The bitch hates Adriana. She always says that her laugh is annoying and her European features make her feel ugly.

WADE: Just because Adriana is way more attractive than Jaylynn, that's her fault?!

RK: I know. It's despicable.

BUSTER: Hey, are you trying to...

 _RK hisses at Buster at that point._

BUSTER: Well, I'm still going to give Jaylynn a shot. She's not even that bad.

RK: Well, suit yourself. Wade and I are going to go it alone and start our own group.

WADE: We are?

RK: Yes, we are. We're at war against Jaylynn and the abuse of power. We're going to show her we don't need leaders.

WADE: Alright, but I'm not going to shoot her.

RK: I was never even going to suggest that.

WADE: I know, but you're unstable, man.

KG: So should I still talk to her?

RK: Nope, forget it. We'll take matters into our own hands, like real freedom fighters.

WADE: I always knew Jaylynn was envious of Adriana. Ever since she told me that she wishes she could eat her hair.

BUSTER: The f***?

WADE: It was when they first met.

BUSTER: Yeah, but still.

SCENE 9

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn is listening to music when she hears a loud, banging sound on the door. RK continues punching and kicking the door while wearing a colonial patriot uniform from the Revolutionary War._

RK: Wade, this sucks. She probably went to sleep or something.

 _Wade stares at RK for five seconds with a confused look on his face. RK begins to become creeped out._

RK: What?!

WADE: Why in God's name are you dressed like that?

RK: To make a statement, Wade. I'm making an emotional, political statement against injustice. You want to know why the British don't control us anymore? Because we rolled up on them and beat their ass. Of course, you wouldn't know considering the fact that schools don't teach you jack shit.

WADE: Please stop talking before I regret doing this.

 _Jaylynn finally opens the door and begins scratching her head._

JAYLYNN: Should I call the cops?

WADE: It's not that serious.

RK: Jaylynn, you're one of my best friends and I love you. But you're going overboard with your abuse of power.

JAYLYNN: What abuse of power?!

RK: You know what I'm talking about. You stole Sparky's position as leader right under his nose and now you just think you're going to get away with it. Well, that ain't happening, man. We're taking a stand against your reign of terror.

JAYLYNN: Wade, you feel the same way?

WADE: I do. After your disparaging remarks towards Adriana, I can no longer stand for such tyranny. Which is why I have teamed up with RK to get you to step down. It's only for the best.

JAYLYNN: Well, I don't know about Adriana, but I promised myself that I would last the week and win the bet, so no.

RK: You guys never even bet anything.

JAYLYNN: That's still being worked out.

RK: Look, Jaylynn, I'm a negotiator like everyone else. I'm willing to give you what you want as long as you give me what I want.

JAYLYNN: Right now, I want some guacamole so you could start there.

RK: I think guacamole's disgusting, so no.

JAYLYNN: I've always wanted a new puppy.

RK: What the hell do you think this is, Petco? Forget about it.

JAYLYNN: You could always take me to Milan for the summer.

RK: I'm not Jennifer Garner, I'm not getting you on a plane just so you can waste all my hard-earned cash on drugs and expensive champagne.

JAYLYNN: Well, this meeting is over. Wait until the week is over, bitch.

 _Jaylynn closes the door at that point, then reopens it._

JAYLYNN: By the way, you look like a gay Napoleon.

 _Jaylynn closes the door for the last time._

WADE: Well, it looks like when it comes to negotiating, you should work for the NFL.

RK: No.

WADE: Really, no?

RK: Yeah, no.

WADE: Oh. But still, that was terrible. We had her on the ropes and you were unreasonable.

RK: Look, this is how negotiations work. They'll come crawling back to you once they realize you're a threat and they need you.

WADE: But we don't have anything that Jaylynn could want. Except a trip to Chipotle which we could have done right now!

RK: Wade, bubby, baby, there's one thing that we have that Jaylynn's gonna need.

WADE: What's that?

RK: Our membership in Testicular Sound Express.

WADE: Oh no.

RK: Oh yeah.

SCENE 10

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Buster and Jaylynn are talking near Jaylynn's locker._

BUSTER: So what did you do after they shot you?

JAYLYNN: I got rid of the bullet myself in five seconds and slashed RK's tires with it.

BUSTER: Cool. You liar.

JAYLYNN: Shut up, you knew it was a joke. All they did was come up to me and say I had to stop being leader.

BUSTER: Or else what?

JAYLYNN: I don't know. Those two are so crazy, they probably forgot what they were upset about.

 _RK and Wade walk towards Jaylynn with purpose._

BUSTER: Hey, RK and Wade are coming just as soon as you mention them. Weird.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, weird.

WADE: I can't believe we're doing this.

RK: Do you want Jaylynn removed from power or what?

WADE: Alright, alright, I'm sticking to my guns.

RK: That's my boy.

JAYLYNN: What do you two want?

RK: Jaylynn, we didn't want to do this, but you left us no choice but to force yours.

WADE: Starting today, we are officially leaving Testicular Sound Express.

 _"Big Time Theme Song" plays in the background as Jaylynn and Buster look at each other confused, while RK and Wade continue to look pissed off._

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: You have to be joking. You're going to stop talking to me and Buster all because of a stupid bet?

RK: We're not going to stop talking to you guys, that's insane. We're just doing what revolutionaries do.

WADE: Yeah, Jaylynn. Realistically speaking, the recent events have made it virtually impossible for us to continue our membership in the current setting. Therefore, we have decided to abdicate ourselves from the group until the week is over.

JAYLYNN: Okay, I get why this clown is protesting but Wade, why you?

WADE: I'll repeat. Realistically speaking, the recent events...

JAYLYNN: I get that part. But you probably don't even know why you're leaving the group.

WADE: Nobody goes after Wade Saltalamacchia's girlfriend and escapes with their life intact.

JAYLYNN: Okay, I might have said some things about Adriana a while back, but that was months ago and it was after we had a fight. I put it aside and you should too.

WADE: Negative. The thoughts still linger inside me. And when the thoughts still linger, they manifest themselves in ways unknown to the average, unenlightened human mind.

BUSTER: I can't understand anything you're saying, could you slow it down?

WADE: I do bad things to Jaylynn because of bad things she said about Adriana.

BUSTER: I'm not stupid, man, I just hate it when you talk like a dictionary.

JAYLYNN: Guys, please don't leave the group. If Sparky finds out, then that means I can't handle being leader and I lose. Who knows what he's gonna have me do? He might force me to do 100 sit-ups, or recite the pledge of allegiance in a bunny suit.

RK: We're still open to working something out.

JAYLYNN: So that means you'll stay?

WADE: Affirmative. Under certain parameters.

RK: Yes. If we stay, then we get to be co-leaders of TSE.

JAYLYNN: No f***ing way.

BUSTER: Jaylynn, Sparky doesn't have to know about any of this. You give these two what they want, they'll definitely keep their mouths shut.

WADE: That's actually a sound idea.

RK: Yeah, way to use the old noggin, Buster.

BUSTER: What can I say? I have family values.

SPARKY: Hey guys.

BUSTER: SPARKY, MY BROTHER!

 _At that point, Buster lifts up Sparky for a bearhug._

SPARKY: I missed you too, man.

RK: So how are things with the girls, man? You're getting some on the daily, huh?

SPARKY: Yeah, from Halley. My actual girlfriend.

RK: Well, that killed the mood.

WADE: So how does the experience differ from hanging out with us?

SPARKY: It feels like another world. It's like the girls have this way of talking to each other that seems so interesting. I mean, they laugh at everything, we talk about a lot of deep, personal stuff. You feel like a whole new person when you're around them.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, that's how I felt about the girls when I first started talking to them. You get used to it after a while.

SPARKY: Well, it's definitely been a blast. How are things over here? You boys holding up okay?

RK: Sure, never been better.

WADE: One hundred percent content over here.

BUSTER: Super happy peanut butter spaceship fun time!

SPARKY: Well, that's great news. Lord knows you two were hard to please back in the day.

RK: I know, right? Back in the day, an iced honey bun was only 75 cents.

BUSTER: And you could go to college just by seeing commercials on TV.

SPARKY: I know, right? What a time it was. You know what? All of us should go out to dinner on the last day of the bet. You know, just to hang out and enjoy each other's company and stuff.

RK: All nine of us going to a restaurant?

SPARKY: You mean, eleven of us. You should invite your girlfriends, treat them to some nice food.

WADE: Adriana would love that.

RK: Well, it would be nice to eat with my honey. Ah, why not? I'll call her after school and let her know what's going on.

SPARKY: Awesomesauce.

JAYLYNN: How dare you?

SPARKY: I'm sorry, it slipped out. You know, I thought you guys weren't going to be able to survive without me, but it looks like you're happier than you've ever been. Well, see you in a couple of days.

 _Sparky walks away at that point and the mood changes instantly._

BUSTER: Wow, you guys actually pulled that off.

RK: Please, I'm an everyday Leonardo DiCaprio. Alright, Jaylynn, these are the terms. We become co-leaders, and we don't have to tell Sparky anything.

JAYLYNN: Oy vey. Alright, guys, you have a deal.

WADE: This should be quite the experience.

RK: It should be. And as the new leader, I think either me or Wade should pick tonight's group activity.

 _Jaylynn sighs in annoyance._

JAYLYNN: Fine, what do you want to do?

 _RK and Wade stare at each other with devious looks._

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The four remaining members of Testicular Sound Express have gathered in RK's house. Buster has a blank expression and Jaylynn looks bored as they both sit on the couch. RK is flipping through channels while Wade is standing near him._

WADE: Welcome to the inaugural Testicular Sound Express Karaoke Night. Fun fact about karaoke: It originally took off in Asian countries before reaching North American markets not too long afterwards.

JAYLYNN: This is your first idea for a group activity? Us jumping around like maniacs painfully singing the stupid lyrics to stupid pop songs?

RK: I was thinking about us going streaking, but I don't know if the world deserves to see me in my natural form. I guess I'll just wait until high school.

WADE: Jaylynn, I think you're underestimating the inherent fun of karaoke. RK and I used to do it all the time.

RK: Yeah, you see, we picked songs that had meaning, you know? Songs that touched your heart and had a point.

 _CUTAWAY GAG_

 _MAY 2015_

 _RK and Wade are shown at a karaoke bar performing Eminem's "Fack" for a bored crowd._

WADE: Oh, oh, ohhhhhhhh!

RK: Oh shit, dude!

WADE: Fack, fack! I'm going...to cum!

RK: I'M CUMMING!

 _END OF CUTAWAY_

RK: Here it is. The Karaoke Channel. Pick your poison, who's up first?

BUSTER: I'll go. I want to sing so...JONAS BROTHERS! GIVE ME JONAS BROTHERS, I WANT JONAS BROTHERS!

RK: Really? I thought for sure you would do One Direction.

BUSTER: Eh, you have to mix it up at some point.

WADE: Do they even have the Jonas Brothers here?

RK: Eh, let's see. Um, pop, 2000s pop, Disney pop, before they all went psycho Disney pop is what I'm shooting for. Hey, they do! "BB Good," "Goodnight and Goodbye," "Year 3000," "S.O.S.," "Lovebug."

BUSTER: Hmm, I guess I'll do "S.O.S."

RK: Hey Wade, you remember that "S.O.S." parody we came up with?

WADE: Oh yeah. Those were good times. We should sing it.

RK: Are you sure? I don't think I have it in me.

WADE: Come on, we can do it just like we used to.

RK: Alright. Buster, you up for a threesome?

BUSTER: Hell yeah, I am! But wait, who starts?

RK: I guess I'll start since you're inexperienced. I don't want to have to carry you, but just do your thing while we're going and Wade and I will make it easier for you to jump in whenever you want.

 _Jaylynn looks at the camera with a sly expression. RK selects "S.O.S." and the song starts playing._

RK: Told me you're impotent...so we couldn't consummate.

WADE: You're taking away my joy, so I'm done...

RK: With nights of un-broken contraceptives...

WADE: And lame excuses...

RK AND WADE: Ooh, this is an S.E.X., I wanna have some sex! I met a guy named Drew at lunch! We drank some beer and Coke, we also had a smoke! And when we got home, we got laid! Some prostitutes came and got paid! It was a damn good night!

RK: And then we drank some Amstel Light.

JAYLYNN: What...the f***?

BUSTER: I kinda want them to keep going.

 _Jaylynn gives Buster a look of bewilderment._

SCENE 13

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky and the girls are all having ice cream sodas and chatting together._

ANJA: It's just like, I tried so hard and she tried so little to pin me. It's like, I tried turning it around on her and she couldn't handle it.

ASHLEY: Wow, Anja, I didn't even know you could fight.

ANJA: Only against Lynne but she's pretty easy. Anyone else and they would probably snap me in half like a teeny tiny little twig.

SPARKY: You know, me and the guys have had our fair share of brawls. RK, remember the time when...oh, right, he's not here. Anyway, RK and Wade had this fight one time over nothing. Over less than nothing. They just beat the crap out of each other and ended up knocking Jaylynn down to the ground outside.

GILCANIA: Oh my God, was Jaylynn okay?

SPARKY: Yeah, Jaylynn's a fighter. She just gets up for more every day.

ANJA: I wonder what it would be like to fight one of the boys.

SPARKY: Eh, it would probably be a slaughter.

ANJA: A slaughter?

SPARKY: Like Super Bowl XLVIII, a slaughter.

HALLEY: Anja, I think Sparky's calling you out.

SPARKY: Nah, I couldn't be. Who am I calling out?

ASHLEY: Oooooooh, Sparky came to play today.

ANJA: You know what, Sparky? Square up.

SPARKY: What?

ANJA: You heard me. Square up, put 'em up, show me what ya got.

 _Halley, Ashley, and Gilcania all go "ooooh" at the same time._

SPARKY: Alright, Anja, you wanna box?

ANJA: Bring it on, let's do this, I've been waiting.

SPARKY: You want some, you better wait your turn.

HALLEY: Oh no, Sparky denied you.

GILCANIA: He was so quick with the denial, honey, it just wasn't right.

ASHLEY: Yeah, he just put you in your place, Anja.

ANJA: You want a piece of pie?

ASHLEY: Nooooo, don't hurt me, I can't fight.

ANJA: So what's going on, Sparky? Not man enough to swing with me?

SPARKY: Okay, that's it. You want some, I'll give you a sample.

 _Sparky and Anja step away from the table and size each other up._

ANJA: Hmm, you smell pretty good.

SPARKY: Thank you.

ANJA: Yeah, not too shabby for someone about to catch a beatdown.

SPARKY: Please, I ain't got the time to mess around, just put 'em up and you can hear how my fist sound.

ANJA: Any day, any place, I'm too bad for your face.

SPARKY: It's your world, squirrel, I'm just tryna get a nut. Wait, what's going on?

ANJA: You know what? I have no idea.

HALLEY: You guys are so stupid, I love it.

ANJA: Hey, don't diss me. You're so stupid, you're stupid.

 _Everybody looks at Anja like they're about to burst out laughing, and she simply sits back down._

ANJA: Yeah, I'm badass, just so you know.

SCENE 14

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _KG is dressed like Big Bird while looking in the mirror. He starts smiling and admiring his backside._

KG: Oh yeah, check me out. This butt is oven roasted, steaming hot to go. Oh yeah, this ain't your daddy's ass. No, he can't satisfy like I can. Oh, what's that, Denise? Oh, nothing. It's just me being me. Some people were talking, I shut them up, no big deal. Denise, please, I work out all the time. My muscles are like two big bowling balls rolled up into one bowling ball that reproduced into four bowling balls just for your amusement. Yeah, I know that didn't make sense, but it doesn't have to. I'm KG. I make things make sense.

 _KG hears someone clear their throat and he closes the closet door to see that Wade has entered the room._

KG: You know, back in the day, people used to knock to indicate that they were at the door.

WADE: Then you should probably make sure that the door is locked next time. What I'm curious about is why exactly you're dressed like that?

KG: I don't feel the need to explain my life to you.

WADE: You sure? You sure you don't want to tell me?

KG: No. My private business is my private business.

WADE: Alright, chicken boy. Where's RK?

KG: Upstairs looking at people walk past the house.

 _Wade walks past KG and begins walking upstairs. KG then sighs._

KG: If you must know why I'm dressed like this, it's because we're having a Sesame Street dance at school. I'm Big Bird, not a chicken boy.

WADE: You go to a weird school.

KG: I go to an imaginative school, there's a difference.

WADE: Um...okay?

 _The scene cuts to RK looking outside the balcony of his room at people walking by._

RK: Oh, man, look at that fat guy biking. I mean, I know he wants to stay in shape, but why wear shorts?

 _Wade walks into the room._

WADE: RK?

RK: Wade, is that you? Come watch the weirdos with me.

WADE: Sure.

 _Wade joins RK on the balcony._

WADE: There's nobody there.

RK: Yeah, new people come every three minutes. One time, I saw a woman with a bag full of pineapples. What's going on in her life? So what's up?

WADE: I was just thinking about this whole Jaylynn thing. Don't you think we're taking advantage of her a bit?

RK: No, not really. We gave her an ultimatum, she gave in, and now we're living the sweet life.

WADE: I suppose so. But the dinner's tomorrow and I don't want to make it seem like Jaylynn can't handle things.

RK: Trust me, Wade, we're not going to be pulling any shenanigans in public. But, I do have something for Jaylynn if she gets out of line or annoys me.

 _RK walks to his closet and takes out a large sock filled with what sounds like a bunch of coins inside._

WADE: What in the name of Basquiat is that?

RK: A quarter sock. I got the idea from a YouTube video. It works for absolutely anything. Someone's giving you the business? Just give 'em a little whack on the wrists. You want somebody to stop talking? Twirl it around in the air as a warning. Wanna kill someone? Just get someone a lot stronger than you to take the guy out with a couple shots to the old noggin.

WADE: RK!

RK: Relax, I'm not going to kill Jaylynn, are you high? I'm just taking it with me to dinner for protection. Celebrities have bodyguards, I have this sock. It's not the most glamorous life in the world, Wade, but it's my life.

SCENE 15

Trattoria Molto Denaro

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

 _A stretch limousine stops near the restaurant, and all twelve kids walk out._

RK: Holy shit, this restaurant is worth more than my entire life.

BUSTER: If there's ever been a reason why white people run the country, it's this restaurant.

ANNA: Adriana, we need to talk.

ADRIANA: Okay?

ANNA: You know how, whenever we go to restaurants, you take the food that they put on the table for everybody?

ADRIANA: I'm a paying customer, I should be allowed to save food for myself.

ANNA: I get that, but we're at a fancy restaurant with all our friends and...you're going to look like a bum who don't know nothing. It's a Brooklyn thing.

ADRIANA: Anna, you're not from New York. Give it up.

ANNA: Stop acting like it can't happen for me!

JAYLYNN: Is that Anja, or is that Jennifer Lawrence with Tori Kelly's complexion and Becky Lynch's body?

ANJA: Jaylynn, this is what I wear every day.

JAYLYNN: Well...you look pretty fine tonight?

 _Anja gives Jaylynn a cold stare which freaks her out._

JAYLYNN: I'm...gonna go see what Halley's up to, that's how uncomfortable I am right now.

WADE: RK? Did you bring it with you?

RK: Yeah, I had to. I'm going to be doing a lot of hot kissing tonight, I have to make sure I'm regular with these breath mints.

WADE: No, not that. Wait, pop some of those my way. Did you bring the sock full of quarters?

RK: Nah, I called it off. I decided to replace the quarters with sugar. A lot less dangerous and better tasting. Plus, it still gets the point across of putting Jaylynn in her place.

 _RK looks for the sugar sock in his handbag, but can't find it._

RK: Holy shit, I ruined my own plan! I left the sock at home! Well, I guess I'm just going to have to wing it. It's not that bad, I'm a master at improvising.

 _CUTAWAY GAG_

 _RK is watching TV at Jaylynn's house when Jaylynn walks in wearing a big white shirt._

JAYLYNN: Does this shirt make me look fat?

RK: Personally, I think you're so sexy, you make the shirt look hot...in spirit.

JAYLYNN: Aww, you really think that?

RK: Sure thang, girlfriend!

 _END OF CUTAWAY_

SCENE 16

Trattoria Molto Denaro

Interior Dining Area

Seattle, Washington

 _Everybody is eating their dinner when RK taps Buster on his shoulder._

BUSTER: Yeah, RK?

RK: Why was six afraid of seven?

BUSTER: I don't know, RK, why?

RK: Because nine eight seven!

BUSTER: That doesn't make any sense. If nine ate seven, wouldn't six be afraid of nine?

RK: No, because it's in reverse.

BUSTER: I don't like it.

RK: Well, maybe I don't like you.

BUSTER: That's just rude.

RK: Nobody's talking tonight, everybody's so stuck on their meals.

BUSTER: Well, this food is hitting. Who would want to talk to you when they can have all of this?

RK: Wow, thanks for making me feel like such a bitch. Hey Jaylynn, can you pass me the butter?

JAYLYNN: No.

RK: Why not, somebody's gotta do it.

JAYLYNN: You're closer to it than me, you get it.

RK: You know, I don't think that's how a leader should act, Jaylynn. You're supposed to be the standard bearer or whatever. You're supposed to be the top guy. If you have authority over me, your hands should have authority over that melted butter.

JAYLYNN: I don't want to.

WADE: Just pass him the damn butter, please.

JAYLYNN: Nope.

SPARKY: Guys, we're in a public place.

HALLEY: Yeah, if you want to cause a scene, go do it in the back of the restaurant near the dumpsters.

JAYLYNN: This clown wants me to pass him the butter even though he's closer to it than me.

RK: I'm not your son, stop treating me like a little kid.

JAYLYNN: Maybe I wouldn't have to treat you like that if you stopped acting like such a numbskull all the time.

RK: Oh, really? Well, at least I know I'm better equipped to lead TSE than you.

ANNA: RK, stop, it's not worth it.

 _Adriana starts putting rolls in her purse while Anna isn't looking._

RK: Anna, Jaylynn just doesn't have the chops to do what Sparky did.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah? I don't have the chops, huh? I guess I don't have the chops to hand you the butter, do I?

 _Jaylynn takes the butter and tosses it on RK's suit._

JAYLYNN: You're enjoying your butter now, you son of a bitch?

RK: Actually, Jaylynn, I am. In fact, I'm enjoying it as much as you're enjoying YOUR SOUP!

 _RK takes the bowl of soup and throws it on Jaylynn's dress._

JAYLYNN: You little bastard, I'm going to kill you!

RK: It was a little whoopsie. I can't help it.

SPARKY: RK, Jaylynn, you better not take this any further. We're in a restaurant with all the people we know and love. Look, you guys have been through thick and thin for almost three years. I know tensions are high, but you CANNOT let things escalate into a war.

BUSTER: Yeah. If anybody in here fights, I'm going to kick everybody's ass just to prove a point.

WADE: What point is beating us going to prove?

BUSTER: That RK and Jaylynn can't mess around with me.

JAYLYNN: He's right. We can't let things get any worse.

RK: We can't. Even though you are kinda bitchy.

JAYLYNN: ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT! SPARKY, FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO!

 _Jaylynn kicks RK in the stomach and takes him down to the floor. The kids are in shock along with the other restaurant patrons as the battle begins. RK counters by getting in a couple punches and wallops Jaylynn in the face. He then spears her through another table and it becomes a brawl on the floor. To prove his point, Buster grabs Wade's arm but he hisses, causing Buster to back down. The kids start running to RK and Jaylynn attempting to break them up and stop the fight. The two are momentarily separated as Sparky, Adriana, and Anna hold RK back, while Halley, Anja, Ashley, and Gilcania hold Jaylynn back. However, Jaylynn breaks through the pack and jumps on RK in an attempt to beat him down some more. The kids continue to try separating the two while Buster and Wade just look on with blank stares._

WADE: I can't believe it's come to this.

BUSTER: Nah, I saw it coming.

WADE: You know what? I did too, I'm just giving them too much credit.

SCENE 17

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _All members of Testicular Sound Express enter the room in complete silence. RK has multiple scratches on his face, a swollen lip and a bandaged arm. Jaylynn walks in with a black eye and an ice pack for her head. Sparky looks absolutely livid._

SPARKY: Well? Does anybody have anything to say?

BUSTER: You know, if it's any consolation, the owner said that he would _appreciate_ it if we never showed up again.

SPARKY: SHUT UP! EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP!

WADE: But you literally just...

SPARKY: I know, I'm slowly losing my mind. It's just that I don't get it. Why the hell would you two beat each other in a restaurant like that?

RK: Because she's a bossy tyrant.

JAYLYNN: And you're an insufferable moron.

RK: YOU WANT ANOTHER PIECE OF PIE?!

JAYLYNN: THE NIGHT'S STILL YOUNG!

SPARKY: QUIET! What's wrong with you guys? Why do you hate each other all of a sudden?

RK: Because I never wanted you to stop being the leader, Sparky. I was scared. What if one day, you just start hanging out with other kids and you stop being friends with us?

SPARKY: RK, that's not gonna happen. The only reason I challenged Jaylynn was because I wanted a change. It was just getting tiring doing the same thing all the time. But no matter what, you guys will always be my best friends.

RK: You really mean that?

SPARKY: Of course I do. We're not just friends, we're a family.

JAYLYNN: Well, you might as well just declare yourself the winner because I failed.

SPARKY: What are you talking about?

JAYLYNN: I let RK and Wade blackmail me into not telling you how things were going because I wanted to prove I could fill your shoes. But I ended up losing my cool and making things worse. I guess I just don't have what it takes.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, are you crazy? You're one of the toughest kids I know. You're a natural-born leader and the girls love you. I mean, you could have just given up but you didn't. Even when things got worse, you stuck it out anyway. This wasn't about being the best, it was just supposed to be fun. I can't do what you do. I belong here with the boys, and nobody can take your place in this group or the Masters.

JAYLYNN: You're serious?

SPARKY: Damn serious. I mean, come on. I like the girls, but I don't have what you have. You're a great leader, and you've been a great leader for months.

JAYLYNN: Wow. All I wanted was to make you proud of me, and...you are. I feel great. RK, I'm sorry I tried kicking your ass. We let things go too far and almost ruined our friendship.

RK: I'm sorry too. I should have given you more of a chance, but I just didn't want anything to change.

JAYLYNN: You know, even though you almost gave me a concussion, I still love you.

RK: I love you too, man. You're the closest thing I have to a sister.

 _RK and Jaylynn hug._

BUSTER: So, is that it? That's our story?

WADE: Not exactly. I'm curious, Sparky. If you were no longer leader, who do you think has the best shot of taking over?

SPARKY: Um...I don't know. Ashley, I guess?

RK: No, he means one of us.

SPARKY: Oh. Well...look at that, we're out of time. Oh, darn. Good night everybody. _Sparky starts humming "Let It Roll" nervously while RK and Wade look at him angrily. Fade to black._

 _Testicular Sound Express is then shown at the Rockefeller Center tree lighting._

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

 _("Line in the Sand" by Motorhead playing in the end credits)_

©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

IN MEMORY OF LEMMY KILMISTER, 1945-2015, AND PHIL TAYLOR, 1954-2015


	2. The New Sparky MacDougal Backstage Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written on 1/31/16-2/1/16)_

-This episode was initially intended to air on January 17, but after being delayed and I came up with the tripleheader idea, it was put here. I wanted to return with a typical _Thank You, Heavenly_ episode, but since the Super Bowl episode is the big gimmick episode that will end up being the main attraction, it led off the night.

-The idea of Sparky giving his role as leader in TSE to someone else has interested me for a while, and was close to becoming an episode in season three. The very first idea I had was a two-part episode where Sparky is at his wit's end with the guys and snaps at them. He decides to pack his things and go to San Francisco to figure out what he wants in life. The gang decides to follow him there but he refuses to come back home, and the episode ends on a sad note. Sparky would then be written off the show for the rest of the season save for a few brief appearances, until the season finale where he reunites with the guys and moves on to the fifth grade alongside them. After abandoning the idea, I decided to utilize it for one half-hour episode where Sparky feels tired of being around the guys and goes to San Francisco on vacation. The remaining four would then be caught in a power struggle to see who has what it takes to lead the group in Sparky's absence. I could not come up with a logical reason as to how Sparky would be able to take an extended vacation during the school year, so I scrapped the idea.

-Originally, Jaylynn was going to give up her position as leader quickly and Buster, RK, and Wade would fight amongst themselves for the role. When it turns to chaos, the four realize they need Sparky in their lives to maintain order. However, the writing ended up influencing the creative direction so that never happened.

-This episode helps emphasize Sparky's importance to the show and why he fits into the leadership position so easily. Sparky is mild-mannered and has no problems going with the flow or helping people with their issues. He has a large capacity for empathy and prides himself on doing the best job he can in every one of his endeavors. Despite being a relatively nice person, Sparky has a notable competitive streak and is unchallenged in maintaining authority. He is wise beyond his years, neurotic, well-adjusted, and still acts like a real kid at the end of the day. These attributes help separate Sparky from the rest of the pack and make him very capable of being leader.

-The scenes involving Sparky and the Masters of the Universe were meant to have some apparent awkwardness, mostly due to the fact that Sparky's easygoing nature does not contrast well with the girls as it does with more extreme personalities like in TSE.

-The running joke of Sparky and Jaylynn having never actually bet anything was supposed to have a resolution, but I just decided to leave it open-ended for comedic effect.

-It feels like this is one of the very few RK/Jaylynn conflicts I have done on this show. Which is odd because the two of them together are always entertaining, with their eccentric, fiery personalities being the basis for plots where they antagonize and challenge each other constantly. After this episode, I am definitely looking into pairing them up more often.

-The opening joke was meant to poke fun at _Family Guy_ for its long, drawn-out, and overly detailed observational humor. In the last episode that aired, there was a cutaway gag that literally did this exact joke.

-RK refers to Jaylynn as Mike Scully, a former writer for _The Simpsons_ who is often credited for causing the decline of the series when he took over as showrunner in season nine (1997-1998). He would remain in this position until the first few episodes of season thirteen (2001-2002) when he was replaced by Al Jean (who not only ran _The Simpsons_ with Mike Reiss in seasons three and four, but has remained showrunner to this day).

-RK references the line "F*** a school lecture, the lies get me vexed-er" from Nas' "One Love" when asked why he is failing social studies.

-Bitch Clock slapping John and asking him if it was fake, along with the resulting attack is a reference to the December 28, 1984 edition of _20/20_ where pro wrestler David Schultz does something similar to reporter John Stossel.

-The "S.O.S." parody was actually something I wrote with my sisters many years ago, but we only came up with the hook. I wrote the verse a few days beforehand.

-Wade references the artist Jean-Michel Basquiat when confronting RK about the sock full of quarters.

-I was a little split on whether or not I wanted RK and Jaylynn to fight, especially in public, but I decided to go with it since everything had been building up to the point where both of them would snap.

-When Buster and Wade were watching everyone try to break up the fight, Buster was going to respond to Wade's statement with a random question but I just thought it was stupid so I went with him actually adding something to the conversation.

-The ending was initially going to be Sparky saying that Buster has the most leadership potential, but since the episode was almost over and he would have to explain himself, I would have been unable to time it well enough to be funny so I decided to just have him dodge the question.

-This episode is dedicated to two members of the English hard rock band Motorhead, founder/singer-songwriter/bassist Lemmy Kilmister and drummer Phil "Philthy Animal" Taylor. Taylor died in November and an episode was going to be dedicated in his honor, but plans fell through. After Lemmy's death in December, I knew the next possible episode would have to be dedicated to both of them. This is why "Line in the Sand" was played during the credits. Taylor was part of Motorhead's original "classic" lineup from 1975-1984 and again from 1987-1992, while Lemmy remained the last member of the group since its inception until his death. As of 2015, the band has officially split up.


End file.
